literature

the end of a dreamer

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Literature Text

"I just wanna die." She murmured.
"Everything is gonna be alright."
"How can I laugh? How can I even breathe when you're not here with me?"
The cigarette burned in the ashtray. Ashes to ashes, dust to dust. A single drop of tear fell down her eye.
"Everything is gonna be fine. I'll come back to you."
"I was not deserving. I was unworthy of having you." She just said.
"That's not true. You know that."
"I don't know anything anymore."
"Things will turn for the better."
"Stop it, nothing is gonna be fine."
"God will make things right."
"He doesn't exist. He left me alone. I begged of him not to take you away from me. He forgot me; he forgot my name, my existence, your existence. I was lost there and then."
"Get up."
"Why should I?"
"Life goes on."
"Not for me."
"Will you take your own life?"
She thought. She was scared. She shook her head no.
"I can't," she said, "I can't do it. I'm a coward."
"So get up and pull yourself together."
"Can't do it right now. Give me some time, I need some time."
"I understand."
It was then all quiet, like it had always been.
"Where are you?" she asked, wondering.
Silence.
"Where are you?"
No answer.
She sat in her dark corner. Tears fell like the beads from a torn necklace.

"Look, look at this!"
"What is it? I don't see anything."
"It's here. Look … this small spot."
"It looks like a kidney bean."
"That's it."
"Is it supposed to be this small?"
"I guess so. Isn't it beautiful?"
"It is. Is it real?"
She laughed. He was being silly.
"It's as real as you and I." she said happily.
"But still it's too small." He mused.
She patted the black and white blurry picture with the tip of her fingers, like she was afraid of hurting it by touching it. She smiled. Her smile was light, effortless, just light.
"Everything is gonna be alright." She said.
"I know."
He kissed the top of her head. She melted into his arms, in the warmth of his affection.

It was cold. The interior of the lifeless room was so cold. It was like all the souls they had taken were still hovering inside the walls. She started shaking. She didn't try to stop herself.
"You're scared?" someone asked.
"I am." She answered.
Someone laughed.
She frowned.
"It's obvious." The same person said.
They were mocking her. She could tell. She didn't answer. If she did, she'd scream and smash their heads, torn them apart, torn herself apart.
"Try to relax."
It was one of the doctors, a woman. She would understand, she could understand, she had to understand. No one else did.
"Am I doing the right thing?" she finally asked.
"You are." The female doctor said.
"What if my doctor's made a mistake? What if I've made a mistake?"
"He hasn't. Don't worry. It's infecting you. Haven't you seen the rash all over your body?"
"It's not. I just don't wanna do it."
"It will be over in no time. Are you cold?"
"I am and I'm a bit scared."
"You have nothing to be scared of."
"I must have done something, it's all my fault."
"It's not. You didn't ask for this."
She thought to herself, she did not. She tried to tell herself it was not her fault, it was not, it was not.
A nurse spread a plastic bag under her body. It looked like a normal garbage bag. Her heart sank. It was all it was to them. Garbage, disposable garbage. She felt like crying. Her tired eyes had no tears left. She had cried all night.
"Ok, count to ten … you won't feel a thing. You will wake up very soon." The doctor said.
She didn't want to wake up. She wanted to tell them not to wake her up. Her eyes were heavy. Her mind was all blank. It was at least peaceful after a long time. She went into the longest sleep of her life.

"Are you sure?" he said amazed.
"I am." She screamed with joy.
"I don't believe you."
"Don't! I don't care."
She almost danced. She chortled gleefully. She looked at the passersby and smiled. They looked back at her disapprovingly. She smiled even more. The world was her oyster.
"I'll call you back. I'm gonna call my doctor." She said.
"Call me … I can't believe it. Don't make me wait. I love you." He almost whispered.
She smiled.
"I love you too. Come home sooner tonight."
"I will. I love you."
She laughed and hung up. She sat on the side of the pavement and took her calendar out. She found the date and wrote: "you started to exist today."
She was happy. Life was good.

She felt like drowning, like choking. She tried to move. Her body was too numb. She couldn't move. She tried to move her neck. She was suffocating. It was not how she had imagined it. She tried to say something, call to someone. Her throat was numb. She couldn't hold her head high. She finally accept it, she would suffocate, but why did it make her panic so much? Wasn't it what she had asked for? To go to sleep and never wake up. She realized it then that dying was painful.
"I can't breathe." She heard herself.
"I'm here honey. Don't worry. Let me help you."
She felt a hand under her neck or did she really feel it? Someone tilted her head to the back and she felt the air filling her lungs. She finally breathed.
"Is it over?" She asked.
"Yes dear. It is." It was a nurse talking to her.
The voice was kind. It was understanding, filled with pity. She felt like crying.  
The tears ran down her eyes. She was a monster.
"It's over."
"It is. Try to relax." The nurse said.
"I don't want to." She didn't say it out loud. A part of her was cut out, it was her heart. She fell back to sleep. It was dark again.

"Listen to this." She said excitedly, "it's as big as a blueberry now."
She closed the book and just jumped up. She ran to the fridge and looked inside. They didn't have any berries. She found some nuts and took a hazelnut out.
"Look!"
She showed it to him. He smiled, a surprised happy smile. He was really happy.
"It's as big as a small hazelnut."
"It's too small."
"It will grow up, for now it's as big as a blueberry."
She looked down.
"My blueberry."
She patted her stomach gently.
"Hello blueberry."
He put his hand gently on her stomach. He looked scared. She laughed.
"What's wrong?" she asked.
"I'm afraid I'm gonna hurt you or blueberry."
"You won't. Trust me."
She smiled down at her belly. She would protect it. She would die before she let anything happen to it.

She patted her stomach. It felt flat, empty. She carefully crawled out of the bed. He was sleeping next to her. He was frowning in his sleep. He had a hard day, they both had. She walked back to the living room. The documents from the hospital were still on the counter. She didn't turn the lights on. She pulled a small black and white picture out of it. She sat on the sofa, legs pulled up. She didn't feel any pain. She felt like an empty shell on the seashore, abandoned, left to dry out under the sun. she felt the tasty salt of sea water on her lips.
She patted the picture. The words from a lullaby she had tried to memorize came back to her.
Hush little baby, don't say a word,
Mama's gonna buy you a mocking bird.
If that mocking bird don't sing,
Mama's gonna buy you a diamond ring.  
She couldn't remember the rest. The words didn't come to her. She sang to herself.
Mama's gonna buy you a diamond ring, a diamond ring …
Hush little baby
Something built up in her chest, a small knot. It started to grow. It filled her insides. She looked at the picture in the darkness. She saw it in her mind. Her tears started to fall without her knowing. She didn't want to wake him up. She had heard him talk to his friend, while she slept in their bed, in a half unconscious state. His friend had asked him what was wrong. He had just answered that he had been fucked up, broken. His voice was sad. It was the only time she had heard him talk about his sadness. For her he was the shoulder to cry on, the fortress. There was a crack in the walls of the fortress. He had started repairing it already. She was not that strong.
She let the feelings emerge. She started sobbing silently. She wanted to scream. She couldn't, she bent forward. The screams, painful screams, filled with hatred and despair exploded in her mind. She just sobbed and held her hand on her mouth.
"My blueberry is gone."
Silence.
"It's gone."
Silence.
"Why?"
There was no answer.
© 2011 - 2024 dreamersleepwalker
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