petals of pain, petals of rain

Through the haze, something can be seen. Not dark, not bright, though it's there. You see, I see, it's there, you're there. The haze is as thick as your lashes. It's milky white like your pale moonlight kissed skin. It's warm, it's safe, like your long arms around my chest. It covers my bitter past.  
Baby blue, in the eyes of the sky, vanished behind the lids of clouds. Pearly tears fall down, painting my cheeks in this color I know no name for. I look up to see, I touch to see, which one is mine. The red on the tips is mine, the salty droplets all over my chest are yours.
I feel the butterflies flutter around in my stomach. They find their way up and around, into my fingers, into my heart. My lungs expand to invite them in, welcoming them. They die inside, trying to find a way out, into the light. They die trying. Not even one survives. Butterflies die inside. I too die inside. I died inside, the day you left. The day you said goodbye.
The fresh scent of roses, the earthy smell of the dust, wet under my feet, is everywhere. The scent tells me I'm so close, to all my ancient roots. It's untouchable, so out of reach. Still it's so close, under my fingertips and hands.
I need to do something, to make this pain go away. The pain is not so bad. It shows I am still alive. I want this agony gone so bad. I want my life a cloud, in the vast sky above. I want this heavy weight, the anchor keeping me in place, the anchor called my soul, to find its wings and recall how free it was, to fly in the sky above.
The anchor weighs me in, I need to lift it off. From my chest and my eyes. From my broken wings on my back. The anchor drags me in, to the bottom of this ocean of life. It  calls on to me. I don't want to hear. I need to go. I want to leave. My life needs to end. It's almost time at last.
You said you'd stay forever and ever and ever. You said you'd be mine and no one else's. You lied, that's a pity. I did not know how to share, you knew how to laugh. You looked me in the eyes and smiled. I did return, all the kisses and more. My skin still hurts, from the memories, which will always last.
You smiled weakly, you tried to be so calm. I did not believe, you were not scared. I knew you were. I felt it well. You were drifting away, melting under the pale skin. You never moaned, you never groaned, no matter what I said, you just smiled. You turned into the rain that fell on the ground. I ran around in vain, trying to find all the pieces, of your life scattered around.
Your honey colored eyes were closed by hands I did not know. I was too late like always, but you knew I was there. A smile on those lips, I always enjoyed kissing, mocked me for losing the game. You won, I lost. You ran faster, I fell behind. You had told me I could not catch up. All I was left with, was a pair of broken wings and empty hands. You did not lend me your wings, you said you needed them for your own journey. I did not have to heart to ask.
I did not want to know, someone told me at last, that you would never be back. You knew it all along. You knew you were at the end of the line. Your heart was broken, knowing each moment, each breath might be your last. You did not want me to follow, you wanted me left behind. You did the only thing you could. You knew my strings should be attached. I was tied to life. Your long fingers tied the knots. For a moment, I even felt happy to be the cradle of life.
The gods were not too keen on me and the life I was tied to. The knot snapped with no warning. My life ended when my role ended, my gift of life taken. I had nothing left. I was empty and barren. No more cries at night.      

I was too numb to know, what else to do. The fate decided. This time gods had spoken.

The car flipped. I saw the deer in the lights. It had your eyes, scared and gazing into the light it did not run away, so I had to save its innocent life. I knew it was, the time at last. The pain would come and the blood would run down my hands. I was happy, the deer fled so fast. Unharmed it passed.
I smiled, staring into the darkness of the slippery wet road. The darkness is a reminder, of how dark your hair used to be. The petals on the ground, a reminder of how soft your hair used to be. There came the sound, of your light footsteps. You approached the wreck. You held my hand. a halo of light, it's now your existence. I felt alive and not in the suffocating embrace of the Grim Reaper. The tears of sky, the tears I shed, the tears of trees, the tears you shed, the blossoms fell on the ground. Another life ended so fast.
Now you're here with me. You're back. I know this time, no lies will be told. You're here to stay, to take me home, to mend my wings and remind me how, free and easy, flying used to be. I'll be the butterfly, you'll be my wings. I'll be the tear of the blossoms, the petals which fall. You'll be the hand that pets my back.
You're there, all around me. I'm here dissolved, in your hazy embrace. You smile. My eyes close. I say goodbye to life, to all that's there beyond and forever is going to last.